Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure your Mom is cool. I mean she did carry around your lazy butt for 9+ months. And you were an 11 pound baby that was so fat the nurses immediately started calling you Bubba, so that’s pretty damn impressive (one of my friends is so mad-Happy Graduation, buddy!). Still, she’s just not as cool as my Mom, and you’re going to have to accept it.
Oh, your Mom cured cancer? That’s great. But before that happened my Mom had cancer and said “Screw it, take my thyroid out, I’ll just go on without it.” And she did.
(Meanwhile, I start complaining if the thermostat is set anywhere other than 70 degrees).
Your Mom got you through college? Me too. And she did it for my sister. Oh, and did I mention she was a single mother?
(It’s okay though, because I’m gonna get a job some day. As long as you classify unpaid internships as jobs. I know the US government does).
Your Mom quit smoking? Well, my Mom quit smoking 14 times. Not because she was addicted, no. Just because she was so good at quitting, she figured she should keep doing it.
(I quit things too! Like my last job).
Your Mom fought off a lion to save your life? Well my Mom nearly assaulted a Public Storage manager one time. He was amazingly rude and had a beating coming his way, but my Mom decided to spare his life and find another storage place.
(This one time, I almost talked to a clerk who didn’t give me all my change. But, then I didn’t).
Your Mom ran a marathon with live scorpions in her shoes? Well my Mom….didn’t do that. Because it’s the dumbest thing she’s ever heard of.
But the real reason why my Mom is better than yours is because she’s had to deal with me for over 24 years now. And that’s just something that none of your Moms had to go through.
So Happy Mother’s Day everyone (but, especially my Mom)! Thanks for sticking with us for so long.
I’m gonna go clean my room now, I promise.